Long Slow and Steady

* I like this one. Arguably a poem. It's found in my other blog, "The Strange Endurance."

I'm just getting stranger and stranger. I have to force connection. Maybe I was just nervous but, when I spoke to you on that amazing and subtle night, on the couch, downstairs, below sleeping heads, I forced myself to listen. You had interesting things to say. Honestly, it was one of the best conversations I've had in a long time. We were without intentions, at least, we were silent about it. We talked movies, food, and music. Then Taco bell. Then the cemetery. Then you drove me home. I spend most of my days quiet. My jaw hurt from all of the chatter. It was a fun sting. Thank you for bringing me something real. I've haven't been here lately. Maybe it's the pain of being a man. Maybe it's the struggle of the artist. Maybe it's the insanity kicking in. Whatever it is, you helped me clear my head of nonsense, worry, and doubt. For a few hours, it was just you, me, and words. Text messages can be so lame. Facebook messages can be so dry. And lets not get started about Myspace... You were there with me. Looking in my eyes, listening to what I said. You were interested. I was there too. My eyes danced over you. You were hair, I was hair. We were words and laughter. You could count my yawn three times over and till this day, I'll still say that I wasn't tired.

King of the Hill

Dale doesn't know she's seeing John Redcorn
Everyone else in town knows.
She's fucking and sucking
ducking and dodging her happiness
hiding away.
Advantage is taken
love is mistaken for a compromise that
was never made.
He's smoking and choking
on jokes and poking at
everything except for the truth.
Dale is a man of secrets too but
no one really cares. He wears an orange hat
it lays his hair flat
still smoking and choking away.
John Redcorn you dog.
A son you can love in shadows
but can't claim him your own.

Nothing

Why does it all have to be so personal?
It shouldn't be about me.
There's more going on out there
the things I can't see.
Miles stretch on over valleys, through hills
kindergarden appeal
for real.
I fucking can't stand it.
Everything so clear
but I can't see a thing. 
My eyes are shut.
I can see everything.
Over under
fuck it
Thunder.
Blunder.
Wonder.
And the storm rages on
inside of me.
On top of you
of her
of them.
All women.
Too many. Too many. Too much.
I can't can't can't can't stand it. I want something else.
There needs to be something else.
Everything is dead or dying. 
Children are small or crying
never growing old
just stay young. Be dumb. Make stupid decisions. Make stupid choices. Say stupid things. Fuck stupid girls. Punch stupid boys. Sweeten sour lemons. Swimming in warm waters. It just doesn't matter to me. Not yet. Not at all. This isn't poetry. This isn't anything.

Just stop...

Sex
Drugs
Passion
Loud Music
Sugar
Food
Fat
Anger
Rage
Pain
Suffering
Torture
Love
Cinema
Strange
Fuck
Dizziness
Breathless
Fighting
Running Away
Changing
Jealousy
Pride
Forgetfulness
Favoritism
Freeloader
Artist
Shallow
Absent Minded
Thoughtful
Generous
Caring
Loving
Sincere
Horny
Really Horny
Really Fucking Horny
Lonely
Needy
Stupid
Smart
Intelligent
Innovative
Creative
Repetitive
Repetitive
Competitive
Angst
Quiet
Invisible
Empty
Too Hard on Himself
Procrastinator
Eager
Hopeful
Hopeless
Romantic
Charming
Smooth
Sensitive
Envious
Charged
Electric
Paranoid
Wealthy
Lucky
Really Fucking Lucky
Vain
Show Off
Tries Too Hard
Careful
Too Careful
Bold but, Not Bold Enough
Tall
Skinny
Getting Fat
Abstract
Strong
Powerful
Lost.

Rag

Raggin on yourself again
stupid boy
cutting yourself down again
stupid stupid boy
everything is not so black
words are not so harsh
so sharp
just cut it out
before you cut yourself out

Matter of Time

[12:47:38 AM] blainecounter: yea yea yea yea
[12:47:40 AM] blainecounter: do do do
[12:47:57 AM] blainecounter: shake shake shake rock rock rock
[12:48:08 AM] blainecounter: i'm giving you my best here
[12:48:45 AM] blainecounter: but will you take it?
[12:48:56 AM] blainecounter: or mistake it for something that it's not
[12:49:16 AM] blainecounter: whether clever or something better
[12:49:20 AM] blainecounter: it's all i've got.
[12:49:40 AM] blainecounter: still warming up.
[12:49:44 AM] blainecounter: it's been a while
[12:49:50 AM] blainecounter: since i've actually seen your smile
[12:50:01 AM] blainecounter: and I've gotta say, i've missed the ways it bends
[12:50:10 AM] blainecounter: up that pretty face
[12:50:21 AM] blainecounter: and down to your waist
[12:50:26 AM] blainecounter: but, don't waste time
[12:50:34 AM] blainecounter: i've got yours
[12:50:38 AM] blainecounter: do you have mine?
[12:50:47 AM] blainecounter: if you did, what would you do with it?
[12:50:53 AM] blainecounter: brandish it like a weapon
[12:50:59 AM] blainecounter: of mass destruction
[12:51:12 AM] blainecounter: i am the buildinfg block that create construction
[12:51:17 AM] blainecounter: I rediuce reduction
[12:51:25 AM] blainecounter: i can funk with funtcion
[12:51:32 AM] blainecounter: swin in seduction
[12:51:44 AM] blainecounter: and dry off in empathy
[12:51:50 AM] blainecounter: i wish you felt like me
[12:52:01 AM] blainecounter: the way i feel
[12:52:05 AM] blainecounter: the way I move
[12:52:10 AM] blainecounter: you know it's slow
[12:52:16 AM] blainecounter: if given one direction
[12:52:25 AM] blainecounter: stead is the pace I'd go
[12:52:35 AM] blainecounter: speeding in the slow lane
[12:52:47 AM] blainecounter: bring down aeroplanes
[12:52:58 AM] blainecounter: with a wave of my hand
[12:53:10 AM] blainecounter: bring then way down
[12:53:14 AM] blainecounter: down the the ground
[12:53:22 AM] blainecounter: roaring, soaring down to me
[12:53:33 AM] blainecounter: bird with plastic wings
[12:53:34 AM] blainecounter: sings
[12:53:43 AM] blainecounter: what a wonderful thing
[12:53:49 AM] blainecounter: this plastic wing bird sang to me
[12:53:53 AM] blainecounter: she said
[12:53:55 AM] blainecounter: the wind is pure
[12:53:58 AM] blainecounter: the sky is vast
[12:54:04 AM] blainecounter: the future is here
[12:54:13 AM] blainecounter: the past has passed
[12:54:16 AM] blainecounter: on and on
[12:54:20 AM] blainecounter: and the bird was gone

Truth

I still think of you.
Your voice is in the air.
Spring is your song.
I sing alone.
I sing along.
Photo's tell me stories
you're getting by
tying knots on your blouse
not for me.
I miss the dogs and the cats
the way you looked at me sometimes.
I'm not miserable but,
I could be.
I'm not understandable but,
I can understand.
I'm not honest at times but,
I can be.
Sometimes
more than dying
life can scare you
to death.

Mad Man

Monster in the house
Monkey in the middle
Skeleton in the closet.
Ghost in the mirror.
Love in a shell.
Heaven in hell.
Horror in the light.
Terror in the day.
Open in the shut.
Up in the down.
Goes in the around.
Poison in the water.
Trouble in the sound.
Wicked in the witch.
Fire in the water.
Starting in the ending.
Laughing in the crying.
Life in the dying.
Sorrow in the sighing.
Fall in the flying.
New in the newness.
Old in the future.
Smart in the idiot.
Cold in the heat.
Rhythm in the beat.
Vegetable in the meat.
Gums in the teeth.
Bullets in the gun.
Color in the absence of color.
Mother in the absence of Mother.
Father in the lack of a Father.
Lover in the absence of a Lover.
Brother in the absence of a Sister.
Hollow in the absence of full.
Empty in the non-sense of everything that will fit inside.
Trouble in the alley, down the block, around the corner.
Hiding in the walls away from the world and the animals it breeds.
Trembling in the shadows looking, now creating an escape to the outside.
Now in the real world, ready to make entrance, ready to start some trouble.
You in the other dimension with me, seeing what I see, feeling what I feel, turning false into real.
Me in the reality that this will never be real and I have to feel this so that I can show you that I can and become who I already am.
A Mad Man.

Inner Thoughts

"Who are you?"
It only takes a moment to ask
But you never ask.
You've never asked.
And all my life I've been waiting
with out realizing it's all I want
from you or anyone else.
You say you don't know who I am anymore
This makes two of us,
one of you.
You've split me down the middle
I walk in two shoes.
I sing the sorrow of the blues
and burn with the fire red.
Love is buried deep in me
my love for you
Burning inside, crawling out of the grace
Out of the grave.
Sometimes I wonder why
I say what I say.
I've been trying since awakening to do what's right
but you leave me left out.

So I'm the liar. So I'm the disguise. The view behind your eyes for the problems that you seek. The cause of the pain, the hunger, and the worry. So I am the prodigal son. So I return time and time again. So I'm met without a smile. I'm met without a hug or a love that will hold me close. Frowns without wedding gowns only children that bring you down driving you crazy. Round and round. This room is a dance. I hate the way it feels. I want mine. I want my own. So I'll have it. I'll be the man. I'll be my own. All I need is the cash. Forever and now. Flame to ash. In my hands. The world is a teardrop running down your face. I fought for this. I fight for my escape. This is the world. I'm breaking through the walls. Taking the guilt and slapping it in the face. I'll have my way out. You can thank me when I'm gone, Mom.

I have faith. I have to follow it. I have intuition. I have a head full of secrets and lies. I have a mind full of truths and loves. I have a heart that has been broken. I have a skull that's been cracked. Are you looking forward to what pours out? I'm curious, will it stain your shoes? I sing new blues and write old tales. I hold on to the future and burn the past. All is ash. All is light until it fades away. You had me filtered, so love me this way. It's all I can say. Every day. Every hour. Every minute is mine. I hold on to the future. I don't wait in line. I am the wait. You stop for me. I stopped everything for you. For them. For me. For everybody else. I promise.

Alright

You don't crack easily,
I know
But you've fallen more than once
and picked yourself up again.
You like new things but, are hesitant to try them
I know
And you surely wont let anyone force you
into foreign waters.
Where you drown
in familiar waters
I've swam there before.
You want small things from me
but I guess they mean a lot.
I want strange things from you
and you're trying.
You want me to be a man
You've got to treat me like one.
I couldn't say it to your face
the words couldn't escape
my face.
I want to treat you like a lady
but you've gotta act like one.
But, you laugh at my farts
and frown at my jokes.
I guess everything is alright.

Greatly Appreciated, Thank you. Likewise.

I hear songs or parts of songs playing over and over
audio hallucinations
clips, snippets, pieces of words and melodies
just repeating in my head

I never feel alone
because when I am alone I imagine camera's watching me
and my friends are watching me
and my enemies are watching me
and the girls I have or had crushes on are watching me

They watch me on a t.v. screen and point at my movements and actions
if I do something weird they discuss it
They socialize and gossip about my flaws.
This tends to put me in an awkward place.

Imagine people talking about the things I've done
How great of a person I was.
How terrible of a man I was.
How easily I gave up or gave in.

I tell myself that I need to stop thinking about what people think and will think of me.

Here's how it works.
I think about you reading this.
I think about how you'll feel when you read this
And this.
I think about how you'll feel when you read that I think about how you felt when you read the last few lines.
I think about you reading this over again trying to figure it out.
I think about who you're going to talk to about this.
I think about you hesitating to go on.
I think about stopping but, I've gathered your interest and it's nice to hold you here.
Right here.

It goes on forever, really. Anything I do, I think about you. Everything I say, I think about how you'll feel when I say it. I think about what you'll say, what I'll say after that, what you'll say after that. I can carry out a conversation with you on my own. Because I know what you're thinking.
I think I know what you're thinking

And I hate myself because of this.
I don't want to predict what you say.
I don't want to think about saying something.
I just want to say it.
I don't want to pick apart my thoughts.
I don't want to pick apart your thoughts.
I just want to think and breathe normally.
What does that feel like?

What is it like to think like this?

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How does one learn to think like that?

I think like this: my mind works this way

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papasgotabrandnewbag

Seriously, this is what goes on...

Just nonsense.

But, I feel like I'm too strong of a person to let this go unnoticed. I realized that this is how I think. This is how my brain functions. I went deep inside of myself and pulled out the last remaining sane part of me. And We became friends. We don't always get along but, We live with each other and have to share the same space.

The part that impresses me is that I feel as if I figured out how your brain works for you. I know how you make decisions based on the decisions I either see you make or the decisions you've told me you've made. I can't make this stuff up. Well... I can. But, I'd rather not. Too many of you think I'm a liar anyway. Which, I am. I am a liar. I've lied. I continue to lie. But, that's apart of life. I'm lied to everyday. I don't call you or anyone else a liar. For some absurd reason, I have this strange ability or dysfunction to see and or feel the good in people. But if a good person has shared what seems to be useful information with me, and I believe it, and share it with you this happens; I tell you what I know, you tell me something else, I tell you it's true, you tell me I'm a liar. Problem solved.

So who cares.... this is what happens. I can't control it. You just see it from the outside. If you want to fix me, crawl inside and work your way out.

Struck a chord

I want this more than anything.
I need this more than anything.
Not for me.

But for my family.
For my little cousins.
For my Mother.
For my Sister.

So I'm pushing harder
than I've every pushed before.
Because this is bigger than me.
This is more than a dream.

This is real.

This is what I've been looking for.

It's in my hands.

I'm not letting go.

I can do this.

I have to.

I will.